I have decided to make a Tumblr account. I did this because it just seems more fitting for me and what I am trying to accomplish. It would be amazing if you guys could check it out. My handle is reneemparado.tumblr.com. I hope to see you there.
Soka University of America believes that their students should live “contributive” lives, meaning that life should be lived in a way where the way you experience things and the way that you do things every day should capture the essence of your true being. A contributive life is neither solely independent nor dependent; it is a balance.
The Law of Attraction is the belief that if you think positive or negative thoughts you will attract positive or negative experiences. I have always had trouble being positive in life and it is a fatal flaw that has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I want to change that. I firmly believe that the first step to “recovery” or “rehabilitation” is assessment and acceptance. So here I will list where all my negativity starts, and here is where it will hopefully end.
- I focus too much on material things, such as money, clothes, and likes/dislikes on social media
- I am a people-pleaser, and I often forget about my own needs in the constant and fatal task of pursuing praise from anyone, whether it be my teachers, parents, or peers
- I am not very self-confident which leads me to become envious in others
- I over think, whether it be about the future or the present.
I want to live a contributive life. Here is where I begin.
I am sitting in my room right now. The blue sky outside my window is shaded with clouds of grey. The sunshine is poking through, relentlessly attempting to be seen and felt.
I am at a point in my life where the world is beckoning me on every corner. I have a hard time believing that I will turn out okay at times. This June Gloom takes over once in a while. My bright prospect gets overtaken with clouds of grey. My horizons start to look foggy.
I talked with an old family friend last night well into the hours of the early morning. I told her about this June Gloom. I told her about my worries. I told her about my struggles. She, being wiser and older and more experienced, told me that life will unfold the way it’s supposed to. She told me that I will be who I was born to be. She told me that happiness must come first.
I am a firm believer that the universe works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason. Reconnecting with this old family friend and talking to her about what has been weighing down on my mind came at the right time. It came when I needed it the most. I know this June Gloom will wear away. I know I will be okay.
I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I feel like this happens a lot. It’s May, it’s the end of my junior year in high school. I am busy, almost too busy to even breathe comfortably. I miss writing terribly, but when I get home from school or when I have even the slightest of free time, I cannot bring myself to sit and use my pen because I am so tired.
I’ll be back soon, for those of you that care. I hope everything is well for anyone that reads this.
The hardest thing to do is to be yourself. In a world full of followers of the status quo, originality isn’t always taken nicely.
I find it extremely hard to be myself without worrying of what others think. Seeking validation from others has always been my biggest flaw. I have recently started contemplating whether or not I should start a Youtube channel and the only thing stopping me was a small voice in my head saying “people are going to think you’re lame!” Putting yourself out into the world, into the media especially, is a scary thing. I personally find it hard to completely be myself. In the midst of my contemplation however, I had a eureka-moment.
I need to learn that it is beautiful to be who I truly am. I need to learn that humility is apart of life, and that no one is perfect. I need to learn to put my wants and needs before others once in a while and that that’s perfectly okay. Being in your truest form is being vulnerable, and being vulnerable is when real beauty shines through.
Sometimes I struggle to get the words off my tongue. I long to tell a story so long and great that it leaves you breathless, but I am young, and have experienced so little.
I think my problem is that I try to run before I can walk. I get crazy ideas inside my head and I start off with a rush of exhilaration. I get tingly feelings in the tips of my fingers, and sometimes I feel it in the pit of my stomach; the feeling you get when you’re deciding if you should jump the leap of faith or not.
The beads of sweat trickle down the back of my neck, my palms are sweaty. I am standing on the cliff of change, underneath me is the pursuit of success. I cannot continue unless I fall fully and freely. My heart is in mid air.
I go through these lapses in confidence,
like the waves of the ocean lapping against the shore.
The sun sets and the warmth fades,
I am left with only my thoughts.
This feeling is rooted in my soul,
and is spreading through the unfilled cracks like a wild fire.
It is dark and I am very aware of the bitter cold.
The tree that is my soul cannot grow.