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hello darlings,

I have decided to make a Tumblr account. I did this because it just seems more fitting for me and what I am trying to accomplish. It would be amazing if you guys could check it out. My handle is reneemparado.tumblr.com. I hope to see you there.

-Renee M.

xx

Bettering One’s Self

Soka University of America believes that their students should live “contributive” lives, meaning that life should be lived in a way where the way you experience things and the way that you do things every day should capture the essence of your true being. A contributive life is neither solely independent nor dependent; it is a balance.

The Law of Attraction is the belief that if you think positive or negative thoughts you will attract positive or negative experiences. I have always had trouble being positive in life and it is a fatal flaw that has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I want to change that. I firmly believe that the first step to “recovery” or “rehabilitation” is assessment and acceptance. So here I will list where all my negativity starts, and here is where it will hopefully end.

  • I focus too much on material things, such as money, clothes, and likes/dislikes on social media
  • I am a people-pleaser, and I often forget about my own needs in the constant and fatal task of pursuing praise from anyone, whether it be my teachers, parents, or peers
  • I am not very self-confident which leads me to become envious in others
  • I over think, whether it be about the future or the present.

I want to live a contributive life. Here is where I begin.

Grunion Run

You picked me up at nine o’clock in the evening. We ventured into the night and drove to Seal Beach in Long Beach, California.

We got there.

We waited.

You held me in your embrace while the cold, crisp air nipped at our cheeks. The beach was quiet and dark.

Eleven o’clock creeped up.

They came. At first, one by one. Then by midnight there were too many to count. These fish called “grunions” were wiggling onto the shore and breeding, creating a new generation.

We laughed. We thought it was insane because it was fish on land.

The night became warm as we sunk our feet into the wet sand.

We were together, with the weird grunion fish, under the moonlight at midnight.

June Gloom

I am sitting in my room right now. The blue sky outside my window is shaded with clouds of grey. The sunshine is poking through, relentlessly attempting to be seen and felt.

I am at a point in my life where the world is beckoning me on every corner. I have a hard time believing that I will turn out okay at times. This June Gloom takes over once in a while. My bright prospect gets overtaken with clouds of grey. My horizons start to look foggy.

I talked with an old family friend last night well into the hours of the early morning. I told her about this June Gloom. I told her about my worries. I told her about my struggles. She, being wiser and older and more experienced, told me that life will unfold the way it’s supposed to. She told me that I will be who I was born to be. She told me that happiness must come first.

I am a firm believer that the universe works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason. Reconnecting with this old family friend and talking to her about what has been weighing down on my mind came at the right time. It came when I needed it the most. I know this June Gloom will wear away. I know I will be okay.

M.I.A.

I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I feel like this happens a lot. It’s May, it’s the end of my junior year in high school. I am busy, almost too busy to even breathe comfortably. I miss writing terribly, but when I get home from school or when I have even the slightest of free time, I cannot bring myself to sit and use my pen because I am so tired.

I’ll be back soon, for those of you that care. I hope everything is well for anyone that reads this.

-Renee Marie.

xx

the grand canyon

The sky floated alongside our lonely car. The hillside smoothed over into flat desert land. It was barren. The clouds were sparse and the sun peeked in and out from behind them. Mountains bloomed in the distance, a river flowed alongside. The road ahead was long and empty; it went on for miles and miles. The barren ground went on for as long as the naked eye could see.

We began to climb higher and higher. 4,000 then 5,00, and soon enough we were 6,500 feet above the faraway sea. We were higher than we’ve ever been. We tried in vain to reach the horizon, to touch the sun and the sky. Instead, we arrived at a natural wonder, the Grand Canyon.

Huge. Over-whelming. Breathtaking. The only words to describe it were those. It is almost unreal, the vastness of it, it looked like a picture even when I was standing on the very edge of it. It is hard to believe something that massive exists in the world. It puts life itself into perspective. Insane.

vulnerability

The hardest thing to do is to be yourself. In a world full of followers of the status quo, originality isn’t always taken nicely.

I find it extremely hard to be myself without worrying of what others think. Seeking validation from others has always been my biggest flaw. I have recently started contemplating whether or not I should start a Youtube channel and the only thing stopping me was a small voice in my head saying “people are going to think you’re lame!” Putting yourself out into the world, into the media especially, is a scary thing. I personally find it hard to completely be myself. In the midst of my contemplation however, I had a eureka-moment.

I need to learn that it is beautiful to be who I truly am. I need to learn that humility is apart of life, and that no one is perfect. I need to learn to put my wants and needs before others once in a while and that that’s perfectly okay. Being in your truest form is being vulnerable, and being vulnerable is when real beauty shines through.