dear my beloved parents


Dear Parents,

                  I will always have the hardest time formulating my feelings into words for you. It is like stepping through a field of land mines when I try to talk; one wrong word and everything blows up. It surprises me, how scared I am of you. I do not trust you, not because I feel as if you are not loyal, but because I feel that you judge, that you assume. I feel that once you believe something is true, even when it’s not, there is no changing your mind. You have caused me countless secret tears and frustrated screams. You have caused me to slit my own wrists and believe that I am not worthy of joy. I am lonely. When other girls speak of going shopping with their moms and getting their nails done, my stomach sinks just a little, because when I try to go shopping with you, you repeatedly comment on the price. When girls go home and cry in their dad’s chests about some boy hurting them, I close my eyes, and feel the pain by myself. I am not even allowed to experience my youth. It is school and then soccer and then school and then soccer. A never-ending cycle. I want to kiss a boy and go on a date and hang out with all my friends. But I cannot. You do not believe in that. I have been a worker in this job called life. That is not how it should be. And I am sitting here, crying as I write this, because I feel so claustrophobic in this box you call a home. I am so trapped. Let me be free. If you are reading this, you may begin to think that I loathe you, that I am disgusted, but I am not. I am contradicted, because we have had bad times but we also have had the good. I just needed so desperately to let out these forbidden thoughts that have been kept inside, never to be spoken.

This letter is never to reach you. I fear what would happen to me if it ever did.



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